I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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