So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
