What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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