i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
