the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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