Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
