I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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