oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
