I can tuck mytits in my pants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
