I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
