Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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