i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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