i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
