My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
