party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
