I wanna passion pit in your ass
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
