I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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