why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
