i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
