I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
