who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
