What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
