i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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