I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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