I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
