pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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