i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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