I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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