My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
