So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
