don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
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my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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