If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
