I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
