By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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