i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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