textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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