I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
