You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
