Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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