he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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