Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
