i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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