At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
