he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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