i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
