Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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