So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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