somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
