My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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