***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
