last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
